When it hit me, I swear, it was the true-to-life, butterflies-in-the – stomach, all-natural-high, heart-skips-a-beat, cheeks-flush, knees-weak, shivers-down-your-spine, giddy, world-stops-spinning, everything-is-in-slow motion feeling that comes over you like a bucket of water was just poured over you kinda feeling… sigh… (now that just made me close my eyes and feel everything all over again)…sigh… now tell me, how can I forget?... how will you forget the one who made you blush for the first time?!?!?
After a year or two, we met again and he was to stay longer… that’s when we spent more and more time together…got to know each other better… he was awfully nice, caring and gentle…funny and naughty too…plus he was cute!… but sooner than I expected, it was beginning to be obvious there was something special we shared between us that was unsaid… we never got to talking about it then… we just went on having fun, exchanging meaningful looks across the room, holding hands underneath the sheets…. sitting beside each other every chance that we got…shared the song Crazy for you by Madonna… in games, we’d always be on the same side, never played against each other… then came my birthday, I got a book from him, the one I wanted… which came with a card, the first I ever got that had THE “I LOVE YOU”… which was actually meant for me… finally the declaration of what he has showed me all that time was summed up in those three words… and of course, I, on the other hand, ultimately, was on cloud nine…. With the overwhelming feelings that came over me, I was speechless…totally speechless… then he left…gone too soon… even sooner than I was able to say I love you back….
After he had gone, I missed him so much, it hurt… but what hurt me most was the fact that I didn’t get the chance to even let him know how I felt… how happy he had made me… how, at that time, he had fulfilled a girl’s true-to-life fairy tale… twas every girl’s dream come true… he made mine come true… and that pained me because I wasn’t able to tell him I felt the same…even more… that I loved him back…
Ouch…it was that kind of pain that was dull and nagging… on a pain scale of 1- 10, it was a constant 6/10 which would shoot up to an 8 or even a 9 whenever I’d be reminded of him… I actually couldn’t tell what hurt more…his absence… me not being able to tell him how much I felt for him…or thinking of the what-might-have-beens?... Sigh…
When he left me, i held onto the memories... the good and the bad... the love and the pain... months turned into years...years into more years... but i sure have kept all those memories locked up in a special place in my heart, where i would visit often, in my solitude and cherish those times we shared....yes often, and yes til this very day, i still do...on rainy days, on bad days, of all the memories i've had through out the thirty some years of my life, the ones of him and with him, in that special place in my heart, gets the most hits... definitely on the top of my most wanted to list, because it never fails to put a warm smile across my face and brighten up my days…
There for you folks is MY FIRST LOVE.
Ooops.. wait I’m not just about done yet… there’s much more to tell about my first love… because you know what?... I had a second shot at it !!!! so read on…
After something like seven or eight years….we meet again…
Of course I didn’t sleep well that night… go figure… the next day, we met to go out… we drove out of town… talked… held hands in the car… while I was driving he had his hand on my back… everything was nice… we talked…I told him how I had felt for him way back then…and how I kinda still hung onto his promises all those years in between… teased him about how he left me..laughing about how we were then… we were happy together like that… then I found out he already had someone else… he was in a serious relationship, he even told me they were already thinking of getting married soon… OUCH... just when I thought things were going to pick up from where we left off… what I was left to pick up on my own was my heart that was shattered into pieces just right there….
Oh well… that day ended… nevertheless, I couldn’t stop thinking of him then. I still pondered…lingered… For the rest of his stay in town… we didn’t get a chance to see each other anymore… it was as if we have finally put an end to the US that could have been…and for me, it was the closure as well of all the what-might-have-beens I carried with me all those years…
But of course, it wasn’t me to just let things go like that.. since we were ending anyways… while the curtains have not been drawn yet, the credits have not rolled in… it wasn’t the end yet… The night before he was leaving, he had called to say his good-byes… but I wasn’t done just yet… I wasn’t ready… I still wanted to see him just one last time… The next day, I had to go get my pager with my Mom and cousins… as soon as I got my number, I called home to leave a message for him to page me, hoping we could arrange to meet up somehow before his flight… when I didn’t hear from him… I couldn’t sit still knowing he was about to leave soon… when we got home, I started thinking of some excuse to give my mom so she would let me go out… I was giving her dumb ones… until I hit the jackpot with so little time left… I told her I would take my cousins to the amusement park… of course, with a side trip she didn’t have to know of… so there… I rushed my cousins into getting ready and I drove like a mad man to the airport hoping to catch him in time… when I got there, of course I had to park so far away… to make the moment more exciting…so, I took one of my cousins with me and ran….literally ran to the departure at the airport… when I got to the door, security won’t let me in… I was begging them to allow me, telling them that someone I had to get to left something important… (me…)… they gave in… they had him paged… he came out and we just hugged… after feeling my whole day was in fast forward x8… while we were hugging it turned into slow motion of course… excruciatingly slow… knowing that was the last we’d share… I finally said my good-byes… found out too that he had gotten my pager number mixed up… so I gave him the right one…we promised we’d still keep in touch… so there… just like in the movies…overhead,"Last call for boarding for flight number…."…there… we hugged quickly once more, and walked away… without looking back, I ran… fighting my tears… my cousin and I ran back to where we were parked… when I got in the car, my pager beeped…it was him…once more, he said… "I love you…" and good-bye….
MY FIRST LOVE and FIRST KISS….
I'm telling you, it’s true… first love never dies…. It never will….
No comments:
Post a Comment